Note: I deviated from the usual focus of these posts for this one. This post is not related to social science for living well. Rather, the post shares some humorous moments since I started substitute teaching a few months ago.
Six months ago I dropped down to part-time in my university position to free up some mental space and actual time to sort out what a next chapter in my work life might look like. Higher education and I were drifting apart, and it was time for a change.
As a strategy to bring an interim jolt of something new to life, I started substitute teaching in the local school district. This isn't my next actual chapter, but more of an interlude while that next chapter unfolds.
Substitute teaching is like being the captain of an anchored ship. The stakes are low and you're not expected to actually go anywhere. Your only job is to keep the ship afloat. So far, my ships have stayed afloat, although there's been a time or two where I've been close to deploying the life rafts.
It has been an exercise in self-awareness, patience, emotional intelligence, patience, humility, patience, fun, patience, humor, and also patience. As a chronic over-thinker and analyzer, I could write dozens of paragraphs to fit my experiences in K-12 education into a larger understanding of what's going in this world, as well as descriptions of the joy and heart-breaks I've observed and felt three months into this temporary gig.
But instead, I give you the following series of light-hearted moments from actual conversations, written to the best of my recollection.
Someone Wants the Nurse's Attention
Setting the scene: First grader approaches me while other students are quietly completing a worksheet.
First grader: Can I go to the nurse?
Me: Why?
First grader: I have a bloody nose.
Me: No you don't, I can see your nose and it's not bleeding.
First grader jams finger up nose, removes and inspects it, notices lack of blood.
First grader: But I should go, just in case.
Me: Please go wash your hands.
First grader: In the nurse's office?
Lap Waiver
Setting the scene: instructions from PE teacher were all classes start with 3 minutes of running laps in the gym.
Second grader: Can I get a hula hoop?
Me: You need to run laps like everyone else.
Second grader: The teacher lets me do hula hoop instead.
Multiple second graders as they run by: NO SHE DOESN'T.
Me: Why would the teacher make them run laps and you get to hula hoop?
Second grader: Maybe they've been bad. I was absent yesterday and I heard they were bad.
Humbling Reminder of Age
Setting the scene: a few minutes before 7th grade social studies class. Classroom is empty and students are moving about in the hallway.
Seventh grader opens door, looks in the room, immediately lets the door close without entering.
Seventh grader to friends, standing outside the door: There's an old man in our room.
End of scene.
An Alternative Take on the Boston Tea Party
Setting the scene: students have just completed reading a short play aloud about a family in Boston before the Revolutionary War debating whether to be loyal to the King or support the revolution.
Me: Why did the people in Boston throw tea in the harbor?
Fourth grader #1: They were mad.
Me: Why were they mad?
Fourth grader #2: They didn't take their meds.
Learning New Vocabulary
Setting the scene: two boys had been antagonizing each other most of the morning and into the lunch hour. Coming in from lunch, I asked them to sit down for a chat.
Me: What's going on? The two of you are friends one minute, and then bickering the next.
Fourth grader #1: What's "bickering?"
Fourth grader #2: It means fighting, you moron.
Me: What you're doing right now is bickering.
Fourth grader #1: Since I didn't know what bickering was until now, how could I be bickering?
Fourth grader #2: This is why I hate him sometimes. But he's my best friend.
Sometimes it's the Obvious
Setting the scene: a small theater arts and design class. The students in the class are responsible for lighting and set design of the high school's Spring play. One student took me on a short tour to show me the different lighting systems located above and to each side of the stage, and at the back of the theater.
Me: It seems like you really like the lighting aspect of production.
Student: Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Me, anticipating a conversation about future aspirations: What do you find interesting about it?
Student: (after short pause) I guess without lighting the audience can't see anything.
Please Stop Trying.
Setting the scene: 10th grade high school PE class. We are in the 30 minute "open gym" segment of class. A student's friend is, for some reason, in the gym.
Student: Can I walk my friend to her class?
Me: No, you need to stay here.
Student: But she doesn't know where the class is.
Me (to the friend): how long have you been a student here?
Friend: since 9th grade.
Me: So it seems like she probably knows where to go.
Student: But what if she was blind?
Me: But she's not.
Student: The school doesn't know that.
Me: I'm pretty sure they would know that.
Student: It could have just happened last night.
Me: There are a million flaws in your strategy here.
Friend, to student: Just forget it. He's not going to let me act like I'm blind.
Failed Ratios
Setting the scene: 5th grade math class working on ratios, and having trouble, as a class, staying focused and quiet. In my attempt to bridge the two moments....
Me: Here's another example. If it takes 30 seconds for 12 students to be quiet, how many seconds would it take for 23 students to be quiet?
Student #1: a few hours.
Me: It's a math problem. Solve it like we just reviewed.
Student #1: There's a lot of people in this class who can't be quiet.
Me: Please just do the ratio without insulting classmates.
Student #1: Tomato, potahto.
Me: I think you meant tomato tomahto, or potato potahto. But that's also not the right placement for that phrase.
Student #1: I know what I meant.
Middle School: The Impossible Age
Setting the scene: all of students in a mixed 4th and 5th grade math class have completed a worksheet, and we have about 5 minutes remaining and we are talking informally.
Student #1: Do you like being a substitute teacher?
Me: Most of the time. I don't have a lot of natural strengths for teaching younger kids.
Student #2: What about middle school?
Me: Middle school keeps you on your toes. Things can be going well but then take a turn for the worse real quick. It feels unpredictable a lot of the time.
Student #2: My sister is in middle school. She's unpredictable.
Me: It's normal for that age.
Student #2: Really? Because my mom says she's ready for her to move out.
No, the Question wasn't about Dogs
Setting the scene: Kindergarten students are sitting in a circle in the middle of the gym, and we are preparing to start.
Me: Why is it important to exercise and move our bodies around?
Student #1: Last night my dog jumped on my bed.
Me: Thanks for sharing. Do you remember the question?
Student #1: (silence)
Student #2: My dog is too small to jump on my bed.
Me: Also, thank you for sharing. I like dogs and it sounds like many of you do, too. Many dogs like exercise. Now who can answer my question?
Student #3: We used to have a lizard but it got out of the cage and now we don't know where it is.
Me: That's too bad. Maybe it wanted some exercise. How long has it been gone?
Student #3: I don't know because it happened before I was born.
Me: Who remembers the question I asked?
Student #4: Was it about dogs?
Me: No.
Student #5: We have a rabbit that comes to our yard.
Me: Does it get exercise?
Student #5: You're silly.
Me: Run 3 laps, all of you.